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Brandon Specktor
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, 「I don』t know. It all happened so fast.」
Submitted by Debby Carter
If you liked that one, check out some more of our favorite funny jokes about animals.
Brandon Specktor
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. 「My life is a mess,」 he says. 「My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I』m as jittery as a cat.」
「Why don』t you go see a psychiatrist?」 suggests the collie.
「I can』t,」 says the poodle. 「I』m not allowed on the couch.」
Submitted by L. B. Weinstein
Brandon Specktor
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: 「When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.」
「I found a bear by the stream,」 says the minister, 「and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.」
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. 「Looking back,」 he says, 「maybe I shouldn』t have started with the circumcision.」
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
These jokes might be a little on the long side, but we』ve got plenty of hilarious jokes that anyone can easily memorize.
Brandon Specktor
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. 「What’s going on?」 he asks a cemetery worker.
「It’s Beethoven,」 says the worker. 「He’s decomposing.」
Submitted by Jeremy Hone
Brandon Specktor
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
「I think my friend is dead!」 he yells. 「What can I do?」
The operator says, 「Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.」
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, 「OK, now what?」
Submitted by Gerald Doka
Check out these hilarious last words from people who wanted to go out with a laugh.
Brandon Specktor
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads 「Talking Dog for Sale.」 Intrigued, he walks in.
「So what have you done with your life?」 he asks the dog.
「I』ve led a very full life,」 says the dog. 「I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.」
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, 「Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?」
The owner says, 「Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!」
